25 Nov The Fear Factor
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the fears I see hiding in the eyes of the people who come to me for advice.
After all, we all have worries, fears and troubles. And what do I do all day long. I am with people, staring down their worries, their fears and their troubles, and helping them to see a path out of the dark confused days.
If we cannot see our fears, they tend to multiply and take all sorts of shapes and forms that they don’t initially have.
I don’t know if you find things the same as I do.
When I have something I need to do, and it starts to worry me, and if I ignore it, suddenly I will be worried that it will be this thing and that thing, and it becomes an insurmountable task. And always. Always. ALWAYS. When I finally grab myself by the scruff of the neck, and sit myself down to do what needs to be done, it is NEVER as bad as I feared.
I often hear people saying similar things at the end of our first meetings. “That doesn’t sound as bad as I thought it might be”.
An unidentified fear can be just like a hidden weight on the steering wheel of your life. It drags you in a direction that you don’t want to go, and makes everyday things so much harder than they need to be.
So, over recent months, instead of just listening to each person and letting their worries flow out the door with them, I have been listening and listing.
What fears tend to worry separating men?
What fears tend to be worrying separating women?
Yes. I am going there.
Men and Women are different, and generally they don’t have the same things push their Fear Factor buttons.
Except for one shared fear. That they will end up in Court.
The reason I have been listening so carefully, is because if you don’t know the fears that trouble you the most, and without knowing the fear that is keeping your ex awake at night, it is so much harder to get settlement discussions on track.
If we can be clear to communicate that the worst fear won’t happen, it helps a confused mind to stop scanning for trouble, and allows the space for us to begin to look at options.
This is what I have been seeing.
I see separating women who are terrified that they won’t have enough money next week. How will they pay the bills?
Separating men are worried that they will end up with nothing, and be taken to the cleaners. How will they begin again?
If you are beginning discussions with your ex about how you will sort out your finances.
Don’t forget to deal with what is worrying your ex as well as what worries you.
Stare those fears down. Create a pact that you won’t run to Court, and that you will find the solution.
The solution is out there. You’ve just got to stick with the search until you find it.